The Great Myth of Me-Time - CareforKids.com.au®

The Great Myth Of 'Me-Time'
Exhausted mothers' quest for time out is a symptom of our exacting parenting culture…

A recent article in The Times, UK by author Jennie Bristow talked about the growing number of parents, particularly mothers, bubbling with frustration and exhaustion at trying to live up to the expectations of modern parenting — feeding the children the right things, taking them to the right activities, being the "right kind" of mother.

All the mothers Bristow interviewed felt they needed more me-time with one parent describing her week of parenting activities as planning their lives like "a military operation". The author asked the question:"What's wrong with our parenting culture that this need for time out has become all-encompassing"?

Last month in the UK, the sociologist Professor Frank Furedi and the children's author Anthony Horowitz joined academics and policy-makers at the British Library in London to unravel this question, attempting to identify a host of problems with our uptight, risk-obsessed, parent-blaming culture.

The big question though is how we might resolve these issues: a tricky task when the plethora of advice on how to deal with the pressures of bringing up children can make things worse.

We are so used to being told by so many different people (including academics, friends, media, authors) what's expected of us as parents.

From conception (or before) we're told to read books about pregnancy, childbirth and early childhood development/parenting, leading us to believe that if our babies aren't developing according to plan then we're doing something wrong. If they're not developing the right routine, eating habits, sleeping habits or general behaviour we're already crap parents!

Thereafter more people will tell us what our children should or shouldn't be doing at this stage and that and how we should be behaving towards our kids: If we aren't particularly keen on reading bedtime stories, we're very bad. If we occasionally lose our rag and have a bit of a shout or don't "negotiate" with them, tut tut; if we let them WATCH TV, well, we're the weakest link – goodbye!

As Bristow remarks though, the worrying aspect of this debate and the need for "me time" is that if we're constantly told we need to have some me time as opposed to "them time" then a conflict begins to exist and frustration sets in. Family life has become so intensely pressurised that parents feel they need somehow to liberate themselves from its demands — or at least, to be given time off for good behaviour. So how has it come to this?

The huge amount of advice and information from the Supernanny and books by psychologists and authors implies that the "good parent" sets what's best for the child as the utmost priority - regardless of the effect on the parents' own time, money or state of mind.

Inevitably this leads to over-scheduling, ridiculously regimented days, evenings and weekends and when things don't quite go to plan (as let's face it is the norm with parenting), the consequence is a panicky sense of inadequacy, the feeling we are not a good enough mother. And if our child is sick or has to be kept at home from child care and we miss a work deadline or important meeting, then we're not a good enough employee either…

"With these competing demands, perhaps it is not surprising that parents are trying to claw back some time and head-space for themselves but the idea that "I need more time for me" implies a conflict of interest between parents and children: an us and them situation in which time needs to be consciously divided into time "for them" and time "for me", says Bristow.

Surely all this regimentation, expectation and activity or the need to be "doing something constructive" does nothing more than increase our stress and the stress of our children; making us more uptight. What's wrong with doing nothing for a while? Kids need downtime as much as parents do. They need to sit quietly, zone out, relax. Everything a child does can be perceived as developmental in some way…even, dare we say it, watching TV, the big social no-no!

Children have huge imaginations they need to explore and develop. It's good for them to learn to play by themselves, entertain themselves and be self-sufficient… They develop responsibility and autonomy. They don't need or want constant adult attention or constructive activity. It's good for them to spend time with other children, just playing, pottering or doing nothing and also good to have interaction with other adults too and to independent from their own parents. The also need to know how to relax.

Everyone needs some time out, including the kids, so here's how to take back control, relax and feel at one with your parenting and personal life and give your kids a break too (according to Jennie Bristow)

Do Look for opportunities to share time and childcare with friends.
Don't Obsess about "quality time" with your kids — children love having other adults and children in their lives.
Do Recognise that there are some things that are fun for children and not for adults — and vice versa.
Don't Feel guilty. Family life is about muddling through — and it's good for children to know that.
Do Be realistic about the practical demands on parents. If mothers need to work, children need to go to childcare. So what?

For the full article from The Times, click here.