James Wilkinson is a stay at home dad, a writer, a musician and the husband of a corporate wife.
He regularly offers his expert opinion on parenting bloke style on MamaMia.com.au and on his own blog at Advice from Super Dad. Occasionally this gets him in hot water. He lives in Sydney with his wife and two and a half year old daughter.
James Wilkinson
C4K: Although stay at home dads are becoming more socially acceptable (!), it's still pretty unusual to find a dad at home looking after the kids. What made you decide to take the plunge and how was the decision received by friends and family?
JW: My wife was the main driver of this decision as after spending 18 months at home she was really itching to get back to work as a marketer. We had originally made a personal decision that we did not want to use child care until our daughter was at least three years old. That really left only one option and that was for Dad to have a turn or for Mum to go stir crazy. We chose the former.
The reaction from family and friends was mixed to say the least. The best being "Good on you for having a go" and the worst being: "Are you lazy or something?" As someone once said: "You can always get another job but they will never have another childhood."
C4K: In general, what are people's reactions when you tell them you're a stay at home dad? Is there a difference in how you're treated/greeted by women and men? Do you get included in the playground gossip?!
JW: Once again the reaction is pretty mixed depending on the individuals' circumstances. Any man who has looked after their own kids think that it is great and are keen to share experiences, while those who are entrenched in a traditional role tend to make wise cracks about domestic chores and pants wearing.
The women really are a mixed bunch. I think that some might even feel a little threatened in some kind of weird way. I have found the playground to be a particularly harsh place for a man. While most women will say "hello" that is about as far as it goes. I am not usually allowed into the inner sanctum of gossip.
C4K: What do your kids think about Daddy being the one at home? Do you think there really is any difference in terms of what mums and dads offer as principal carers (aside from the breast-feeding thing, obviously)?
JW: As my daughter is only two and a half I don't think that she realises that it is unusual for Dad to be at home although lately she has been telling people that "My Mum is at work today". Maybe she is starting to make excuses for me! LOL
Other than the obvious physical limitations I don't really see any difference between male and female carers. In actual fact I do find that men are a bit more honest about the trials of full time parenting and are more willing to admit that they don't know what to do and subsequently more open to learning and asking questions. I think that a lot of women feel that they should intrinsically know about parenting just because they are women.
C4K: What are your biggest triumphs and biggest downfalls as a dad at home?
JW: I think that my biggest triumphs as a dad at home have come in the form of education. I go to great lengths to teach my daughter about all manner of things from language and numbers to manners and discipline without ever spanking her or raising my voice. I pay a lot of attention to her needs and include her in all my daily activities and never use the TV as a babysitter (we have a no daytime TV policy). It means that there is not much down time, but hey, that's my job!
My biggest downfalls would probably be the toilet training thing. It is a major exercise to carry fifty changes of clothes everywhere. At two and a half she still wears a nappy when we are out of the house (which is most of the time) but we are getting there slowly. My reluctance to force the issue stems from a mixture of nervousness (I really don't want wee all over the car seat or pram etc.) to not wanting her to be embarrassed by soiling herself in public. I am conscious of her feelings and you can't be near a toilet all the time.
C4K: What are the advantages and disadvantages of being a stay at home dad?
JW: The advantages of being a stay at home dad are pretty simple. You get to watch your child grow up a little every day. During the first 18 months of her life I only saw her for an hour in the morning and an hour at night like most working Dads. Now I am with her all day and can watch her develop. Additionally it has allowed us to bond as dad and daughter and that will hopefully help us to have a strong relationship throughout the rest of our lives.
The main disadvantage is having no money of my own - I have to ask my wife for money and that can be slightly emasculating at times. Additionally the social isolation (there are not too many Dads around and the Mums are a cliquey bunch) and having to deal with the stigmas associated with stay at home dads can be a little trying but to me the benefits far outweigh the down falls.
C4K: Do you think that employers are still slow to get on board with treating working dads the same way as working mums? What can be done to help this situation?
JW: I think that the larger corporations are getting much better with their paternity leave schemes and a couple of my friends have or will be taking advantage of that. The main problem is with equality in general. It is pretty difficult to argue for the right to paternity leave while there is still a wage discrepancy between the genders. I think that a lot of the reason that more men don't stay at home with the kids is because women on average still get paid less for doing the same job and so the family simply just can't afford it.
C4K: Would you like to see the extension to the Paid Parental Scheme for working dads (the proposed scheme is to add an extra paid 6 weeks on top of the initial 18 weeks paid parental leave, but only if the other parent takes up this leave)?
JW: Once again I would like to see equality in the benefit scheme. Any changes that allow more choices for parents would be greatly welcomed. Men and women should have the same choices when it comes to either working or looking after their children. If that was the case I am sure we would see more men in full time caring roles and subsequently stronger relationships between dads and their children.
C4K: How do you manage to fit in your musical pursuits?
JW: Admittedly my musical pursuits have been on hold ever since taking on the full time carer role. There is just so little time left over after completing all the child/home duties and putting our child to bed. All I really want to do is fall in a heap at the end of the day. All of my creative energy is currently being poured into my blog Advice from Super Dad, which is a diary of sorts about my experiences as a stay at home dad.
C4K: What are your top tips for Stay at Home Dads (or any Dads for that matter!)
JW: I think that the best thing that you can do as a stay at home dad is to treat your role like you would any other employment. Don't get caught in your PJ's with the remote in your hand as you are at work not at home. Get up, get dressed and have a loose plan for the day that includes a mixture of activities and learning and most of all include your kids in everything. Kids can so much fun so don't be afraid to jump in the sand pit or make some Playdoh pies. You might even enjoy yourself.
For Dads (and Mums) in general I believe that it is really important to treat your children like a full member of the household and not second-class citizens regardless of age. Your children have valid opinions and ideas and while you don't always have to pander to their desires they should definitely have an equal voice that is heard and respected.
Additionally consistency and the setting of boundaries are very important for children. They need to know what is expected of them at how to behave in all circumstances as this makes them feel happy and secure.
The biggest complaint among children is that their parents don't talk to them or listen to them or ask their opinion about anything. Kids are not handbags to be dragged around – they are little human beings and should be treated as such with heaps of love and respect.
C4K: What three things could you not do without as a Stay at Home Dad?
JW:
- Patience – It is my child's job to test my resolve at all occasions. That is what they do. I try to keep calm and remember that I am the adult who is in control of the situation.
- A sense of humour – When all else fails I try to see the funny side of the situation. A good laugh can cure all ills.
- Group activities – If I didn't get out of the house a few times a week with other parents and kids I would definitely go mad. A bit of adult company for me and some kiddy friends for my daughter is a great way to keep us both sane.
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