Sydney has just hosted the International White Ribbon Conference, which aims to build awareness for and action against all forms of domestic violence around the world.

It's estimated that at least 23% of women in Australia have experienced domestic or family violence, which, according to the Australian Bureau of statistics, accounts for around 2.2 million women in Australia.

That's a huge figure and means that the likelihood is that you are either in a domestically violent relationship yourself, or you know someone who is. And Psychological violence, though just as damaging as physical, is often un-noticed by people outside the family and even unrecognised by the victim.

While domestic violence can occur both to men and women, it's widely recognised that women experience domestic violence at far greater rates than men do, and women and children often live in fear as a result of the abuse that is used by men to maintain control over their partners.

Domestic and family violence occurs in all sections of our community and across all cultures. Being abused is NOT a normal part of domestic or family life. Don't think that because you live in a well-to-do community that it doesn't apply to you or to your neighbours. In fact it could be argued that psychological violence particularly is actually more prevalent in middle class, educated areas.

The thing about psychological violence is that is can actually be more damaging long term than physical (that is in no way down-playing physically violence), because it can happen quite subtly over years and years, eroding the victim's self-confidence, self-worth, ability to trust, and emotional stability, even without her knowing and it gives the impression to the victim and children around her that this behaviour is normal and to be expected from others. It can on the positive side though build up incredible strength in women, which is all the more powerful and apparent when the problem is dealt with and resolved.

Women who are pregnant or have recently had babies are particularly vulnerable to psychological domestic violence, because hormonal changes, poor body image and exhaustion could already be affecting their confidence and emotional well-being.

Domestic violence is still often not recognized by others, particularly if it is the more subtle psychological and emotional abuse. It's a very insidious form of abuse and can occur on one occasion or as a sustained pattern of acts and behaviour, which may individually appear minor, but when combined together and sustained can be very frightening and damaging.

So what's the definition of Domestic Violence?
Below are the definitions and stages of domestic violence according to the National Council for Single Mothers and their Children.

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviours used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.

Abuse can be difficult to identify, because an abusive person doesn't always act this way. Sometimes they may be loving and kind. But if you often feel afraid of upsetting your partner, and change what you do to avoid their anger, then this is a sign that you are being abused.

You may be feeling any of the following: worthless and lacking self confidence; ashamed and afraid of letting others know about the abuse; to blame for the abuse; hopeless and sad because you have tried everything; depressed and lonely; afraid of what he might do if you leave or seek help; afraid that no-one will believe you; scared of coping on your own; confused.

All forms of abuse - psychological, economic, emotional and physical - come from the abuser's desire for power and control.

Psychological Abuse
If you or someone you know experiences any of the following behaviour from a partner then you or they are in a psychologically abusive relationship.

• Behaviour and/or comments to undermine your sense of self
• Name-calling or putdowns
• Intimidation
• Sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away
• Lying to your friends and family about you;
• Telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
• Threatening to commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children

Verbal Abuse

• Constant put-downs
• Name calling
• Making harassing or threatening phone calls
• Saying things to scare you (e.g. told you something "bad" would happen; threatened to commit suicide).
• Using the children to threaten you (e.g. told you that you would lose custody; said he would leave town with the children)

Social Abuse

• Controlling where you go, whom you see, what you wear.
• Keeping you from contacting family or friends
• Preventing you or your children from leaving the house
• Preventing you from going to a place of worship or praying
• Making all the 'big' decisions
• Checking up on you (e.g., listening to your phone calls, checking the mileage on the car, calling you repeatedly at work)
• Refusing to do housework or child care
• Making you feel guilty about going to work or socialising
• Constantly checking up on your whereabouts etc.

Financial Abuse
When your partner takes control of your financial affairs when you don't want him to, or

• Preventing you from having access to money
• Stopping you from getting or keeping a job
• Refusing to give you enough money to live on

The cycle of violence is a pattern that is common to many men who are abusive in their relationships, and has definite stages that are easily recognisable. Once recognised it's time to act. Each of the stages has unpredictable lengths of time, with many variations in time and frequency.

Stage One: Build up
The man experiences a build up of tension, is preoccupied by his own view of the world, has an exaggerated sense of entitlement, avoids social and emotional circumstances, relies on others to meet his every need, blames others and circumstances, is full of righteous indignation with beliefs about how the world should, ought and must be, engages in self intoxicating thoughts and beliefs.

This stage escalates regardless of external circumstances, and is independent of his partner's behaviour.

Stage Two: Explosion
This is the most dangerous stage and can involve criminal assault, terrorizing, verbal abuse, serious threats and property damage. The man feels enraged and believes he is out of control; the episode can be brief or escalate over hours. Most men describe this stage as being out of his control; however, the violence is often in a context that has strong elements of choice and control. When the abusive and/or violent episode is closely examined the man is likely to recognize that it takes place usually within the home and has in fact been controlled, evidenced sometimes, by the parts of his partner's body that he targets.

Stage Three: Regret and remorse
At this stage in the cycle the man experiences and expresses feelings of remorse, helplessness or guilt, whilst often at the same time blaming his partner or circumstances as he looks for why this happened and who is at fault, he generally accepts no responsibility for his own behaviour.

The man believes and tries to persuade his partner that the abuse will never happen again. He may blame his partner for his abusive behaviour. He will often make promises about change that are conditional on his partners change, and promises of change that are unlikely to be carried out. The man may attempt to seek forgiveness from his partner and to offer explanations, e.g. 'I lost control and did not know what I was doing' that demonstrate he is not accepting responsibility for his behaviour. He may attempt to show his sincerity and caring by buying gifts, taking the family on outings, being helpful in the house, or being more attentive.

The man has resolved nothing by his remorse. His language and behaviour seem so unrelated to his violent behaviour that it is confusing for his partner. She wants to believe that he has changed. The woman may try to cover her distress and fear, accept his promises and forgive him in the hope that things will improve. Characteristically after a short time the man begins his own self-defeating thought processes and engages in tactics of abuse to maintain control moving back into build up stage and the escalation of his behaviour.

Remember, YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME for the abuse. You have a right to feel safe and to live a life free from intimidation.

For support contact:
1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732): 24 hour, National Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line for anyone who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault.

Lifeline has a national number who can help put you in contact with a crisis service in your State (24 hours) 131 114