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What to do with a toddler who scratches
by Sophie Cross
The other day a friend turned up at my house with her three small children, my friend covered in scratches. She hadn't had a fight with her cat or anyone else's, but said her 2½ year old daughter had been scratching her…
And not just her.
If you've got a toddler he or she is bound to be biting, hitting, pushing or scratching at the moment. It goes along with fighting, screaming uncontrollably and flinging their heads back on hard surfaces.
Biting is slightly harder to achieve on the spur of the moment, although many manage it quite successfully! Scratching on the other hand can be done at lightning speed and with pinpoint accuracy, inflicting surprising harm with those tiny little nails on both adults and other children.
It's incredibly traumatic for the "victim", the victim's parents and also for the parent of the aggressor. And unfortunately there is no real cure or deterrent.
Toddlers bite and scratch for the same reasons they scream. Out of frustration and need to be heard, an inability to be able to voice their jealousy or annoyance. Everything we take for granted with our ability to speak (or stomp off in a silent strop), they have to manage with their hands, teeth or nails. They might also do it when they're tired, over-stimulated or generally grumpy for no particular reason.
As far as managing scratching is concerned, then the first thing to do is to make sure that your child's nails are short and regularly trimmed, and check them daily for sharp little edges or snags, because it's these that inflict the most damage, intended or otherwise.
The second thing is to closely monitor your child with other children and to recognise the early signs of his or her frustration and be ready to dive in before the scratch happens. Really it's all about frustration.
If a scratching incident does occur, manage it in the same way as you would any fight, bite, slap or violent outburst:
- Remain calm - don't freak out or shout! You are the diffuser!
- Help the "injured" child first. Offer comfort.
- Remove the aggressor for a minute or so and give them some time out. Biting and scratching does have consequences although depending on the age the child in question may not yet really get the concept of actions and consequences.
- Allow the child who caused physical harm to make amends. This does not necessarily mean making them apologise. Very young children don't really understand apologising. It's just words but they can show sympathy/empathy and help heal the relationship by fetching an ice-pack or giving the injured child a cuddly toy or his or her special comfort blanket.
- Engage both children in a soothing, calming activity to diffuse the situation and move on together happily, if they are open to it.
What can you say to a child to try to stop biting or scratching?
Depending on the age, this is hard. The younger they are the less they will respond or understand any conversations about why it's not a good thing to bite or scratch. And really it just comes down to trying to anticipate the scratch before it happens. As they get older, you can introduce phrases such as:
- "Biting (or hitting or scratching) hurts. Let's find a way to tell what you need."
- "It's okay to be mad. Everybody gets mad sometimes. We can tell other people, 'I'm mad without using our hands'"
- "When you get really angry and don't know what to do, you can ask for help."
- It's ok to say to your friend "I don't like that"
- "It's okay to say, "NO" when someone is doing something you don't like".
At the end of the day, the toddler age is HARD for both toddler and parents! Just remember to stay calm. You will get through it! And your toddler being a scratcher or biter doesn't mean something is wrong. They pretty much all do the same things at some point, and they almost all grow out of any violent behaviour.
Other parents will generally understand if your toddler has bitten or scratched and you must also try to be understanding and sympathetic with other parents if your child is the "victim".
It is in most cases a developmental phase, but if it continues and doesn't seem to be abating by the time your child has learned to talk and express his or herself in other ways, then have a talk to your GP.
Above all, Keep Calm and Carry On Parenting – you are doing a good job!
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| Sophie Cross is a public relations consultant and writer who has publicised and written about everything from makeup to The Muppets, child care to celebrity chefs and perfume to Partners in Population and Development! Originally from the UK and as a languages graduate she has worked around the world, living in Australia for the last 11 years where she runs, PR Chicks. Read Sophie's blog
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