Why are we discriminating against non-working mums?
For many women, the reason for staying at home rather than going back to work after maternity leave is down to finances or practicalities, lack of child care or going back to work simply not being viable.
But for many mothers, the decision to become a stay-at-home-mum is a very definite and important choice. It's a decision to be around full time for their young children until such time as their kids are independent… so probably somewhere in the region of 26-30 years old. Let's face it, when you sign up for parenthood, you are in it for the very long haul.
So why is it that almost half (48 per cent) of stay-at-home-mums who responded to our recent survey said that they felt stigmatised for staying at home?
When asked if they'd ever felt stigmatised for staying at home:
- 23 per cent said Yes, by other mothers
- 18.5 per cent said Yes by friends and family
- 7 per cent said Yes by former work colleagues or employers
What is the reason for this response by some people to stay-at-home mums? Is it borne out of jealousy, envy and projection of guilt for not being at home themselves? Is it some sort of misguided belief that women choosing not to work are somehow spitting in the face of feminism and our right to work? Is it an attempt to spread an opinion that somehow stay-at-home-mums are less intelligent than working parents or not contributing to the economy/society?
Of course for the most part none of the above reasons are in any way valid or justified. And in this day and age it's utterly ridiculous to make any assumptions on the circumstances of stay-at-home-mums, particularly when 87 per cent of those mums currently not working, but who were prior to babies, said they hadn't returned to work due to financial necessity, employer inflexibility, family circumstances, children with special needs or an inability to find a job.
And anyway, if they choose not to work and to stay at home with their kids, who are we to judge them?
Dr Aric Sigman, a biologist and psychologist, has termed this prejudice against the stay at home mum as "motherism" and says that it should be tackled as much as other prejudices such as racism.
He believes that the rise of derogatory attitudes towards stay-at-home mothers had helped make it socially unacceptable in some circles to argue that children benefit from "full-time" parenting.
Dr Sigman told the conference: "You should take on 'motherism' – the prejudice against stay-at-home mothers – a prejudice that expresses itself in derogatory clichés like: 'You gain a baby and lose a brain' and comments that refer to 'schoolgate mother mentality', or to being 'willingly self-lobotomised'.
"The implication is that by being a full-time mother you are 'subjugated and servile' and even sexually unattractive once you are a mother – a quality only associated with women who return to work with their high heels and clipboards."
He added: "I have heard how full-time mothers are described. The tone seems to be that they are not as interesting, that they have taken a step down both socially and intellectually but also in terms of esteem.
"If you applied any other kind of minority group tag to that there would be an outcry."
Those mums who do stay at home out of choice aren't stupid, shirking work or living off benefits and don't necessarily have pots of money and the luxury of living off one wage. They are simply exercising their right to choose to stay at home with their children while they are young.
The social developments in the eighties, the power suits and ballbreaker image left a big hangover for women and left many of us feeling quite uncomfortable with how we were being portrayed. The shoulder-padded, bitch CEO image actually did a lot of damage for the image of women.
Yes it is possible to have it all, but not at any cost. Most working mums, even those who absolutely love their jobs and would never give up their careers, will admit to at least having days when they wonder if it's all worth it and naturally would rather be at home with their kids…maybe not every day, but one or two days a week would be nice!
Hats off to the home-based mum we say. Being full time parent to small children is pretty much the toughest job in the world at times and in no way to be seen as an easy option.
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