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| Why Jacinta Tynan feels no guilt
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| …and her top tips to finding Mother Zen
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Jacinta Tynan is a well-known Australian news presenter, author and columnist who regularly writes opinion pieces for national newspapers and appears as a guest commentator on TV programmes. She has just launched her new book, Mother Zen, a memoir, part commentary and part manifesto on the ideas and philosophies of contemporary parenting.
A career girl and self-confessed reluctant mum-to-be, Jacinta readily admits to believing she had something like "pre-natal depression" or motherhood denial; a fear of what was to come, of how her life was about to change, of not being up for the task of mother, of being, as someone once told her, "too selfish to be a mum".
Now as a mum of two young boys, Jacinta has re-evaluated her life and chosen to ignore all the dissenters, the pregnancy books, the perfect parenting gurus, the people who say your life will never be the same - and not in a good way - and the people who doubted her ability to mother, including herself.
She has chosen to embrace motherhood rather than fight it, to lose the mother guilt and simply try to enjoy being a mum.
Drop the Guilt
"I don't feel guilty about working a couple of shifts a week", said Tynan in one of her articles for Sunday Life, "because (while it might be another mother's worst nightmare, her heart torn by economic necessity) it fulfils me and allows me to make use of the skills and experience I spent two decades amassing."
"Then, when I am with my two boys I'm not pining for another life. I don't feel guilty when I dish up chicken nuggets, because they get vegies most other nights and sometimes nuggets are all I can rustle up after a frantic day."
"Too much TV? Doesn't happen every day and it's ABC4Kids for goodness sakes, not Breaking Bad. Late to bed? They can sleep in. Skip bath? One night won't hurt. No birthday party? So long as there's cake…"
"I don't feel guilty about hauling them to the supermarket (we have to eat), bribing them with Tiny Teddies (how else to get two toddlers in the car in a hurry?) or not teaching them to read (plenty of time for that)".
Aside from "drop the guilt" Jacinta has these other top tips to finding your Mother Zen:
1. This too shall pass:
Time passes quickly as a parent. Too quickly. But it's impossible to fully grasp that until it starts happening before your eyes. You're nursing a helpless newborn one minute, then chasing them off the road the next. Being aware of this can help us.
Those moments when it all seems overwhelming: it's 3am and the baby won't stop crying - neither can you - and you think the night will ever end. Well, it will. It will end before we know it. And one day our babies will move out of home and we will want it all back.
If we remember that every single moment of parenthood will pass, we might appreciate it more as it's unfolding.
It's a conscious shift. Being in-the-moment, some call it. Others call it mindfulness. Paying full attention to the present puts everything into perspective. Even pasta upended on the floor, sleepless nights, a kicking toddler. This too shall pass.
2. Babies cry:
Crying gets a bad wrap. We're lead to believe that a crying baby is "naughty" or "manipulative" and our aim is to get them to stop. But I secretly love the sound of my babies crying. It's an opportunity for connection.
Of course there are moments, like any mum, when I get exasperated and beg, futilely, for them to stop. But babies don't cry to annoy us. They cry because it is their greatest communication device. As Attachment Parenting guru and pediatrician, Dr William Sears, says, "Babies do not manipulate. They communicate."
It is our "job" as a parent to try to work out what is wrong with our children and appease them. It's a much easier option (for us and them) than ignoring them, hoping they'll give up. The end game isn't to shut them up, but to make them feel loved.
3. Put your own oxygen mask on first:
There's a reason why they tell you to do that on a plane: because we're no good to anyone if we're not breathing. It's vital as mothers that we look after ourselves to be able to take care of our babies.
That means eating. Sounds simple, but the number of times I simply ran out of time to eat when my babies were small. And they were the days when my edges frayed. I don't recommend it.
Exercise is vital too. And I am a hypocrite saying that because I've not done one ounce of exercise - not officially - since the walk I went on when I was in labour (the early stages) with my first baby 5.5 years ago. But I am all for ‘incidental' exercise: The accidental workout you get from walking the pram or chasing toddlers.
One thing I rarely cheat on is meditation. 20 minutes twice a day (most days) helps me deal with all the demands of raising two small children. For others it's yoga (which I used to do when I had more time) or a run. So long as we take some time each day to nurture ourselves and recharge.
What time, you say? We mums have to be inventive with "spare" time. I meditate when my children sleep. Where there's a will…
4. We know all we need to know:
A generation or so ago mother wisdom was passed over the back fence. Women learnt how to be mothers from their own mothers and each other. Those networks have largely broken down and we are often doing it alone, spawning an entire baby-raising industry.
But we do still know what to do. As renowned paediatrician, Dr. William Sears says, we should ask the question "‘If I were my baby how would I want my mum to react?' Mother knows the answer".
Which doesn't mean I didn't call in experts: A lactation consultant for breastfeeding. A Mothercraft nurse to teach me how to settle the baby. My own mother to show me how to wrap, bath, feed and soothe. But when they're not there in the middle of the night, we know the answers.
5. Babies Teach Us:
I had always been under the assumption that mother teaches baby. Hence my reluctance to become a mum until I had it all together. But babies are the best teachers. By their very nature they compel us to grow, and that is worth everything.
From the minute he arrived my baby gave me a great lesson in what matters most. In my world and in the world. Most importantly and enduringly he gave me a crash course in how to love. And, geez he's been fabulous for my time management.
I made a note of what my first baby taught me in just a few weeks:
Gratitude
Appreciation
Mindfulness
How to stay present and live-in-the-moment
To keep things in perspective
Positivity
To let go of the past
To surrender
Time management
The importance of staying conscious
The gift of being rendered choiceless
Love. So much love.
They are the best antidotes to sleep deprivation, frustration, loneliness, boredom, worthlessness… They work for bleeding nipples too. Sort of.
6. How we react is a choice:
We may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can control how to react. Maybe not for mothers with PND or extenuating circumstances but, in most situations, we can make it less of a big deal just by deciding to.
Even exhaustion and despair. Pause and decide to react differently. A baby throwing up all over the new couch (yes, that happened). A toddler who refuses to get in the car (many times), or hurls cutlery. Crying that won't end, sick babies who can't sleep, books ripped to shreds. Really, so what?
We can collapse on the floor (which can help) or breathe and remind ourselves it's not the end of the world. Nothing bad has happened. Everything has an ending and broken things can be replaced. This is all just part of being a mother, the light and shade.
Seeing the funny side helps too. Nappies on their head (a "nappy hat") when I'm trying desperately to wrangle two of them to bed. Holding a wailing new-born while attempting to cook dinner and simultaneously feeding a demanding toddler. Hair raising at the time. But quite hilarious when you think about it. We will laugh about it one day, so why not now?
7. Surrender:
Let go of the idea that things have to be a certain way. As a mother they won't be. Ever. We have to give up on life being the same as before. Forget clean carpet. Or sleeping in, being on time or long phone calls. Throw up your hands and take what comes. It's not life as we have known it. It's much better than that. If we surrender to what is.
We are all doing OK
While none of us is a perfect mother, and we'll all have our bad, doubting days, we are doing the best we can and we should be thankful for the gift that's been given us.
"Mostly I feel proud", says Jacinta. "Proud of myself for all I manage to get done in a day, quite chuffed at the incredible feats I pull off juggling two exuberant puppy-like boys (nothing, I know, compared to many families), domestic drudgery and, on some days, a job as well. It's amazing there's dinner at all. When I roll them into bed at night, I feel quite triumphant. They are happy boys and I play a big part in making them so. No guilt. Just gratitude".
Mother Zen is in bookstores now, RRP $27.99 or eRRP $19.99. www.motherzen.com
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