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| Is your preschooler being bullied…
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| or are they perhaps the bully?
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Bullying is something we've probably all witnessed if not experienced at school or even in the workplace. You may think that bullying starts at school, but it can begin much earlier than that. Children as young as pre-schoolers can start to exhibit bullying tendencies and many parents are surprised to learn their child may be being bullied in child care or pre-school.
This is of course very upsetting for parents - both the parents of the victim and the bully. No one wants to see their child upset or being "picked on", and equally we'd like to think that no parent wants to think their child is a bully and making another child's life a misery. And there's a fine line, because sometimes, bullied children can start to develop bullying behaviour themselves. So it's best to keep an open mind and look out for signs of either.
What is bullying and how do you know if it's really happening and not just a bit of a personality clash with another child or toddler scuffles?
So how do you know if there really is a bullying situation, if your child has simply had a one-off fight with a particular child or friend or if your child is completely making up stories to get a day off and stay at home with mummy! It does happen!
Bullying is generally defined as intentionally aggressive behaviour, usually involving an imbalance of power and repeated over time. It can be:
- Verbal (put-downs, taunts, name-calling)
- Physical (pushing, kicking, punching)
- Relational (rumours, social rejection, exclusion)
How do you know if your child is being bullied?
- A sudden change of heart about going to preschool/child care
- Complaints of headaches or stomach aches before playdates, daycare or preschool.
- Telling you a certain child is "being mean"
- Becoming withdrawn, depressed, fearful or clingy.
- Putting himself down "I'm a loser," "I'm stupid" or "No one likes me"…
- Unexplained bumps and bruises – more than usual - scratches or small cuts
It's a serious issue and young bully victims can be made miserable, nervous and lacking in self-confidence. Children are great followers and it's easy for a bully to influence other children, so that the victim is completely excluded from a group and feels friendless and that no one likes them.
A young child of two or three years old is going through major development; physically, mentally and socially. This is where interaction really starts. Until this age, children tend to play alongside each other rather than with each other and often play group and child care situations provide young children with their first real interaction with peers. It doesn't always go well and it's a big learning curve!
In these social situations, children start to learn and practice the social skills that help them build friendships with other children. It can also be where they first experience or witness bullying behaviour and if left unchecked at this age, bullying tendencies and patterns of violent behaviour or victimisation may develop into later childhood, adolescence and beyond.
Part of a child care worker's job is to keep each child safe – and that includes preventing and addressing bullying behaviour.
At child care or other similar situations, there is often a diverse mix of ages, sizes, social backgrounds and family dynamics and this can manifest into interesting behaviour patterns. At this sort of age children are frankly all over the place! They're finding their own personality, strengths and weaknesses, learning to play and share, working out how to work a room!
They make mean faces, say nasty things, grab stuff, push and shove, accuse peers of things like taking their toys and exclude friends or refuse to play with some children. This is not necessarily bullying, but these negative behaviour traits can be precursors to verbal, physical, or indirect bullying.
It becomes bullying when an individual targets one or more other children repeatedly for verbal, physical or psychological "abuse" and if not nipped in the bud, it will quickly escalate the bigger and more powerful the bully becomes. Other children will witness this dominating behaviour and may well decide they'd like to give it a go.
Domination and a need for power can come from many social situations, particularly when children have older siblings who may well be dominating them. Boys may tend to dominate in a more physical or obvious way, whereas girls often develop a more indirect bullying style, such as excluding classmates, telling secrets, rumour spreading, manipulating relationships… Yes we've all seen Mean Girls!
What can you do if you suspect your child is being bullied?
- Talk to the child care worker about your concerns
- Talk to your child and find out what's really going on
- Make sure your child knows that it's not acceptable behaviour.
- Encourage them to:
- Stick with their friends
- Eye the bully, and /or stand tall, be brave and loudly tell the bully to stop it and then walk away
- Always tell an adult.
And what if you suspect or have been told your child is the bully? Ask yourself the following:
- Does your child need to feel powerful and in control?
- Is he or she hot-tempered or quick to resort to aggression?
- Does he/she feel she does no wrong?
- Does he/she show little empathy for others' feelings?
- Is she aggressive toward adults?
A "Yes" answer to one or more of these questions doesn't necessarily mean your child is a bully, but as Deborah Carpenter, Author of The Everything Parent's Guide to Dealing with Bullies says, "the biggest red flag is if your child seems to enjoy insulting, shaming or attacking other kids". But the following 5 actions can be taken to try to teach a bullying child that what they're doing is wrong:
- Talk about playtime. A few reminders about empathy and kindness may tame the insensitive antics. If that doesn't work, try time-outs or cutting playdates short.
- Discuss consequences. Explain that if the bullying continues, the other kids won't want to play with them.
- Have them right the wrong. For instance: The kid who bullied my child could have invited them to play in the fort or made them a construction-paper pirate hat.
- Praise their efforts. Be specific: "I like the way you invited someone new to play".
Raising children is a minefield and an emotional rollercoaster and let's face it, until we've done it, we've no experience of it so most parents are just feeling around in the dark and hoping they make the right decisions.
The important thing is not to panic. You know your child and their usual behaviour, so talk to them, trust your instincts. Don't confront the so-called bully's parents or add to the conflict. Talk to the child care worker in charge and once you've established the facts and then work out a strategy to deal with the situation together.
For more information on Bullying in Child Care click here to read our article |
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