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| Mother guilt:
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| are you feeling it?
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Stay-at-home mums feel it too
The thing about mother guilt is that it's absolutely and utterly built in to every mother's psyche, whether she is working or not. Women, much more than men, are pre-disposed to assume responsibility for everything in their lives, especially when it has anything to do with their children or family.
Women are natural takers of responsibility. Men find it so much easier to compartmentalise their life, while women are more likely to let everything merge. And while it certainly doesn't mean that men don't care about their families, they may well disappear off to work in the morning and not think about them for more than a split second for the entire day.
Women think about them constantly.
So if you've recently gone back to work after being on maternity leave, or even after you've been on holiday, then the likelihood is that that niggling feeling of guilt for not being with your children is grating away at you.
Don't let it!
Unfortunately if you read comment streams at the bottom of any article about women going back to work and the cost of child care, difficulty finding care, difficultly juggling work and parenting etc, you will be inundated by a torrent of comments from other women, not just men, who take pleasure in making working mums feel guilty for daring to work and "putting work above nurturing their children". Not very helpful.
If only life were so simple. In these days of soaring costs of everything, it's simply not an option for many families to exist with only one salary. Does that mean those families shouldn't have kids? Of course not. They're not asking for hand-outs, they're simply saying they want and need to go and earn some money and keep their careers active, so that they can continue working in the position they spent a lot of time and effort reaching after their kids don't need them anymore. What's so awful about that?
Kelly Hirt (a mother, teacher, writer and blogger at My Twice Baked Potato, wrote, in an article for the Huffington Post last year that she feels guilty when:
- I am tired after work and my son is not.
- I am doing laundry or dishes instead of playing with him.
- I am not the "room mom" organizing the class parties.
- I hear a teacher colleague of mine saying to another colleague, "Oh, she can't be a helpful volunteer, she works".
Kelly says that when she was talking to a friend about her guilty thoughts, her friend said: "Everyone has "Mother Guilt" in varying degrees and varying amounts on various days".
And it's not just working mums. Here is her list of the things that Kelly's friend, a stay at home mum feels guilty about:
- I feel guilty that I am SO bored sometimes when I should be thrilled to be home with my child.
- I feel guilty that my child is an only child and will not grow up knowing what it is like to share a room with someone and whisper after lights out.
- I feel guilty that we don't live near our extended family-especially Grandma and Grandpa.
- I feel guilty that I still want a nanny and house cleaner even though I am home full-time.
- I feel guilty that I don't do something "meaningful" like bake cookies or make a bird feeder each day with my curious daughter.
- I feel guilty when I miss my "old" life.
- I feel guilty that I hate story time at the library. I feel even more guilt when I see the other moms smiling as if they are having a girls' night out!
So rather than feel guilty about leaving your baby while you work, think about the things you can be proud of. Here are 10 of them:
- You're providing for your family.
- You're keeping the Australian economy going!
- You're contributing both financially and practically to our society.
- You're setting a great example to your little ones when it comes to striving to succeed and/or to do what fulfils you.
- You are likely to be living your mum's unfulfilled dream of being independent.
- You are upholding the rights that women fought for and continue to fight for – the rights of the woman to be deemed equal in the workplace.
- You are exercising your right to choose to work.
- You love your children unconditionally. Working does not change that.
- You're time at home with your children is quality time that you appreciate over everything.
- You are doing something that millions of women all over the world would love to do.
Sometimes you might be tired and irritable. So is every mother – working or not. But you are doing your best for your children and your children will love you anyway.
You are amazing. You have no reason to feel guilty.
Read our article on Managing feelings of mother guilt. |
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