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| The impact of positive couple relationships
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New research conducted by the Early Intervention Foundation (EIF) in the UK has looked into children's wellbeing and the effect of parental conflict. The study has found that children who are exposed to continued unresolved inter-parental conflict are more likely to suffer from ill-health, and develop low self-esteem, anxiety and depression.
Ongoing distress can lead to headaches and sleep disturbances, behavioural problems at school, emotional and social issues. Children who witness conflict and aggression can also struggle to form positive relationships and grow to be aggressive and hostile as adults.
The study also found that parents immersed in hostile relationships are typically more aggressive, and often less responsive to their children's needs. And that the conflict can affect the mother-child and father-child relationships, with negative parenting practices being evident.
Impacting on children's future chances and their mental health, the study suggests that focusing on the parents' relationship is the best way to reduce this harm, and that couples should be encouraged to seek support if in conflicted relationships.
When kids show up, the strain on a relationship can be significant. Everyone is exhausted, patience is lost, and there is less time to get things done and stay connected as a couple. However, the emotional wellbeing of parents is important.
When parents feel happy and fulfilled themselves, their sense of stability and security allows the child to feel happy and to trust that parent to meet their own emotional needs.
Any relationship will have its ups and downs and everyone has disagreements sometimes. Witnessing some small level of conflict occasionally may even be good for kids – for them to see how you discuss and resolve differences. Problems arise with how that conflict is expressed.
So what can we do to maintain positive, loving relationships, when we can't find an immediate resolution to a disagreement?
Tips for resolving conflict
Though it's often hard, try to approach any discussion with empathy and compassion. Put yourself in their shoes and ask that they do the same. Try to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, assume that the best intentions were there, and always remind the other that you love them.
Avoid criticism, and constructive criticism only works if it is referring to something that can be changed. If you feel let down, find a way to remedy it for next time, rather than criticise the behaviour that has already happened… blame won't fix anything.
Anything that is said, try to say it with kindness rather than exasperation or anger, it has more impact and avoids the atmosphere becoming negative.
Always avoid using destructive tactics – name-calling, aggression, silent tactics, withdrawing or sulking – these never help and set precedence for negativity. But above all else, remember that you are on the same team. Rather than approaching from opposing sides, lay your issues on the table and look for a resolution together.
What they see
Our children are watching us all the time, absorbing the world around them. And this is particularly true of the emotional atmosphere. Tension, stress and negativity are contagious, no matter how hard we try to conceal them. Eye-rolls are always seen; the exasperated tone is always noticed… little slips past them!
Because children cannot manage their emotions, the anxiety and stress that can result from being exposed to continual conflict may result in tantrums, cutting off emotions, or alternatively getting unusually clingy. Yet the most common emotion kids feel when parents aren't getting along is guilt – kids often take the blame on themselves, believing that they are the cause of the conflict.
Whatever our dynamic with our partner, this rapport is something children will go on to recreate when they reach adulthood, taking it into their own relationships with a partner, and with their own children. The smallest change in our communication can make the world of difference.
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