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As parents, we all want our children to succeed in life, and we naturally worry about raising them to be polite, socially adept adults. However, sometimes that desire for our children to achieve can go too far, and the pressure can end up being detrimental to a child.
Mums that are very strict and who push their children to achieve are typically nicknamed 'Tiger Mums', the phrase becoming popular following Amy Chua's book Battle of the Tiger Mother.
Children of tiger mums will be constantly propelled towards academic excellence, participating in activities to win awards and pushed into music, competitive sport and tutoring. The high level of expectation stems from the desire to pave the way for their children's future success, but often at the expense of a nurturing upbringing.
If you are worried you might be pushing your child too far, here are a few signs that you might be becoming a tiger mum, and the problems this might cause.
Your threats are over the top and inconsistent.
When threats become irrational and over the top they become empty threats. Punishments such as "I'll confiscate all your toys" are initially scary but then not taken seriously when they aren’t acted on and, in turn, teach kids to misbehave.
The rules are the rules, without question, and there are lots of them!
Rules need to be fair and take into account the particular needs and personalities of the child. There also needs to be some leniency for special circumstances, and the child needs to know that. Otherwise, when children are older, and a child is faced with a dilemma such as breaking a 10pm curfew because the designated driver is drunk, they need to feel able to call you for a pick up and know they won’t get in trouble for being late.
Children need to understand why the rule exists, not just what the rule is. Also, if there are too many rules, everyone has a hard time remembering them all! Keep rules understandable and reasonable, and children are more likely never to break them.
Everything has to be perfect.
To a tiger mum, it doesn't matter if your child has done their best. If they are not top of the class it isn't good enough. However, if you set the bar too high, a child might feel there is no way they can hit it, so they won't even try. Imperfection teaches children that it's OK to fail, and how to get up from that and try again, or try something different.
Your love is conditional.
Any time love is conditional it can harm a child. They will become anxious, indecisive and too eager to please, worrying constantly about parental approval. A child always needs to feel that a parent’s love is unconditional.
Your child leaves you out.
If your child is choosing not to talk to you about how their day went, it's a sign that opening up to you makes them uneasy. To feel safe and secure, a child needs to be able to feel they can talk to a parent, no matter what has happened and they will still be loved and accepted.
Your child doesn't want friends to come over.
Too many rules and criticism at home means that your children won't want this berating to happen in front of friends. Rather than enforce endless rules, create a house where your kids have the space to create their own play and you will quickly find your child brings friends home once more.
You are all work and no play.
Kids need playtime, comfort and downtime to process their day. They need time to be heard and space to understand themselves. Structured activities still need to be fun, even if the end goal is to progress and improve.
You are authoritarian, not authoritative.
Authoritative parents set expectations but do it out of love and betterment, and the child understands the reasons behind it.
Authoritarian parents set expectations and it's my way and nothing else. The parent decides what is important to the child, even if the child’s mind is set on something else. This can lead to resentment, and the child failing at the activity regardless, as they no longer enjoy it.
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