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| Motivating kids without bribery |
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As an immediate behaviour changer, bribery is one of the easiest and most effective forms of motivation around. Whether it's a toy to avoid a tantrum in the supermarket or a lolly for every goal scored, prizes and rewards are a great way of getting instant results. However, what does this teach kids? And does this work in the long term?
Though rewards work in the short term, when the behaviour becomes dependent on reward, the system stops working. Take the child who gets a jellybean every time she does a wee on the toilet. Before long, that child is doing 'pretend' wees to get the jellybean and the reward has lost its purpose. Motivated only by the prize – whether it's a treat, or the removal of a privilege – kids don't learn why they are doing something, only that they do that thing for a result. Rather than take responsibility for their actions they look to a reward or fear of punishment as a reason for their actions.
Conversely, if they are driven by personal satisfaction – by a sense of achievement or by intrinsic motivation – kids become motivated by knowing it is the 'right' thing to do, or that it is beneficial for them to do so.
Teaching intrinsic motivation sets kids up to deal with setbacks in adult life. The sense of having a go, or that determination of, 'If at first you don't succeed, try and try again’ that leads to internal reward instills a resilience that will be carried with them to adult life.
Instilling intrinsic motivation
Everyone has a sense of pride and achievement when they master something new. The kid that learns to ride a bike suddenly wants to ride and ride, because of the excitement and internal satisfaction of their newfound skill. And it's this that we try and tap into. By encouraging them to keep going through setbacks, to get back on the bike every time they fall off, we build the resilience to come back and try again.
Rather than encouraging the outcome (or focusing on winning), we encourage the effort. If they draw a picture, rather than saying how great it is we notice how hard they worked on it.
By building a set of values, and by establishing a behaviour pattern for life, all personal motivation will then come from success meeting this set of inbuilt values.
Be a role model
Kids mimic their parents. If they see you eating your vegetables, they are more likely to eat their own. If they see you running around the park and see the enjoyment and satisfaction you get from being active, they will get that too. If they see you trying hard to overcome challenges you face, they will try hard to.
And this role modelling doesn't have to be complicated. Even little things around the house can make a big difference. For example, if they have a job chart to tick off their chores each week, make sure you have a column of your jobs too.
You can also use others for inspiration. Go to a football game or sports match, or go to the circus to see the acrobatics – seeing the professionals at work can illustrate what can be achieved with a little persistence.
Day-to-day involvement
There is a point in time when kids suddenly become useful at chores, and it is almost always the same time they no longer want to do them! By letting them help out, even if they do things differently or slower, and praising their efforts not the result, you can instill a sense of pride as part of their character. Try to give them jobs they like or give them a choice: 'Would you rather empty the dishwasher or set the table?' gives them a sense of control and accountability. Help them tidy their room, and once it is clean, point out how nice it looks, how easy it is to find things, and how enjoyable it is to be in the room. Stay and play in their room for a while once it is done. Eventually they might keep their room tidy because of a sense of pride in themselves, not because it means they get their pocket money.
As they get older, you can let them make choices and face the consequences. When it's a poor choice, hold them accountable and investigate what motivates their choices. For example, rather than ask, 'Have you done your homework?' Try, 'Why did you do your homework today instead of yesterday?' By finding out what made them make particular choices you can understand their roadblocks.
And if you do wish to reward them for their efforts, the best reward any child can receive is your time. Let them plan a family day out, go for a bike ride, and make active family time the reward.
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