I was in my mid-thirties when I became a father and I'll be honest, the idea of baby-proofing my house had typically fallen on the side of how to keep them out. But as my wife entered her third trimester, I felt it might be time to start thinking about the kind of home we'd be bringing our child into.
Besides, she'd been asking me to do it for weeks.
Doing it, Dad style
Now, newborns can't go anywhere by themselves. They can't move. They stay wherever you put them. So naturally, when baby-proofing our home, I got down on my hands and knees, made baby noises and wandered aimlessly doing the most redundant risk assessment ever conducted.
Why? Because our brains don't work properly. And that's fine by the way, there's a lot going on during this period of anticipating the baby's arrival and we can be forgiven for thinking the oven door needs to be padlocked and all the scissors need to be locked in a box with instructions not to run with them.
This period leading up to when the new baby arrives is so exciting and so scary all at once. And that's just what we as fathers have going on, never mind the poor pregnant woman. Can you imagine if would-be dads had to go through literally anything else? Morning sickness, even once a week, in males would see the population decline drastically.
The nursery
Of course, there are some things that need to be considered. Probably don't have the crib on the roof, make sure the baby monitor you ordered is an electronic surveillance system and not a small lizard, and give your baby a safe and comfortable room to play and rest in. Even though they can't see that Winnie the Pooh decal yet, they'll appreciate it later on.
While we're here, the nursery room aesthetic is entirely for us and there's nothing wrong with that. Make that nursery everything you wanted yours to be when you were a baby. Remember that? Remember your nursery when you were a baby?
No, because it too was for your parents.
The next stage
Baby-proofing the house should really be called ‘getting the house ready for when they can move on their own'. Because once they reach that stage, once they can hoist themselves up and look around, once they can roll around on the floor with purpose, that's when you're screwed.
It's a wonderful time but there's no let-up. There's not a moment reprieve to be had. There's not a baby in the history of mankind that gave a second thought to trying to climb up the couch and mount the dog like a gymnast for fear of being hurt, or to give mum and dad a thirty-second break from the previous near-heart attack-inducing stunt.
Be prepared!
So how do you truly prepare? Don't have kids. Or at least don't let them in the house. Get a dog. Roughly the same amount of poop but you can put them outside anytime you want.
Oh, got your heart set on the whole raising a child thing, huh? Fair enough. Me too. And given mine is a little older than a toddler now, I thought you might like to know what saved my sanity (somewhat).
- Baby gates - they might only slow 'em down, but they'll give you a chance to catch up! And it keeps the dog out or in, depending on the dog
- Cupboard door locks - they'll keep the little thieves out for now, they won't stop you snacking though. If you're anything like me, they'll barely slow you down at all
- Electric outlet covers - now these are an absolute must. Apologies in advance to your fingernails when you try to remove them later on
- Baby monitor - pretty self explanatory, just don't suggest changing the channel if it starts playing a tune you don't like
- Corner covers - these little rubber covers can pop on the corners of tables and just about any other piece of furniture that may look hazardous. Your shins will thank you too!
Look, there's no way to prepare for any of this, and there's no way to baby proof your home to the extent that your child is guaranteed not to have a little accident or two. Or seven.
Like everything else as a new parent, it comes down to listening to the good people in your life (like us!) who have done it already, and trusting your own judgement. There's no substitute for being a caring and attentive parent. The one guaranteed method of making sure your baby doesn't roll across the floor into the bookcase is to be to be right down there on the floor with them.
