Emily Hanlon, Clinical Psychologist from The Playful Psychologist shares some ideas around avoiding labelling our little ones and how we can rephrase common labels to make it easier to identify what is actually going on.
When we label a child with an adjective, we’re not just describing their behaviour—we’re defining who they are. Phrases like, “Oh, she’s shy,” can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Imagine a preschool-aged child feeling uncomfortable in a new situation, only for someone to assume they know what’s happening and then announce it to everyone. Why do we feel the need to do this to young children, when it would feel invasive and unwelcome as adults?
Whom does this labelling serve, the child or the adult?
Accepting a child for who they are means seeing beyond labels. Labels often act as a bridge between our expectations and reality. For example, we might expect a child at childcare or preschool to jump right into social interactions because of what we’ve seen other kids do. When they don’t meet those expectations, we may feel the need to explain it. That’s when we resort to labels like “shy” or “clingy.” These words simplify the situation for us but fail to honour the child’s unique developmental needs and experiences.
This issue isn’t exclusive to young children; we see it with adults too. Family members who consistently behave in a certain way are often excused with, “That’s just who they are.” But the stakes are higher for children, especially in their early years. Labelling them can hinder their ability to grow and change, trapping them in expectations they might not have chosen.
Are Labels About Us or Them?
Often, labelling a child reflects more about the adult’s insecurities or discomfort than the child’s actual needs. For instance, when a young child doesn’t greet a grandparent or clings to their parent at drop-off time at childcare, it might feel like rejection. To protect the feelings of the adults involved, we’re quick to justify the behaviour: “Oh, she’s just shy.” But this reaction prioritises adult comfort over the child’s autonomy. It shifts the focus from understanding the child to managing how others perceive our parenting.
A personal anecdote highlights this point. My father, a classic ethnic parent, loves introducing my kids to his friends. Sometimes, my son hesitates or clings to my leg, and my dad will say, “Oh, he’s shy. It’s not you.” But it’s not about anyone. My son is simply taking a moment to process the situation. This is normal and healthy. Why should we expect young children to dive into social interactions immediately when even adults need time to warm up in new environments?
Mixed Messages and Safety
The inconsistency in how we approach children’s behaviour sends confusing messages. We tell kids to be wary of strangers and to trust their instincts, yet we’re baffled when they hesitate to greet someone unfamiliar. These mixed signals can undermine their ability to advocate for themselves in unsafe situations. How can we teach young children to trust their feelings if we constantly override them with labels?
Reframing the Narrative
A perspective shared by Dr. Becky Kennedy resonates deeply: when children take their time to warm up to new situations, it’s often seen as a weakness. But what if we viewed it as a strength? A preschool-aged child who observes before engaging demonstrates self-awareness and confidence—qualities we hope to see as they grow. We want our kids to make decisions based on what feels safe and right for them, not what’s expected by others.
Parenting, at its core, is a long game. It’s not about how young children behave in a single moment; it’s about building a lifelong relationship based on trust, respect, and understanding. By putting aside our immediate need for comfort and validation, we can focus on supporting our children as they navigate the world on their own terms.
Why Labels Stick
Preschool- and childcare-aged children are naturally egocentric, meaning they see themselves as the centre of their world. When adults label them, they internalise those labels as truths. If a child repeatedly hears, “You’re so shy,” they may begin to see “shy” as a fixed part of their identity, rather than a feeling that can change. Unlike emotions, which come and go, labels feel permanent. This rigidity can limit their ability to see themselves as adaptable, multifaceted individuals.
For example, I have a four-year-old son named Luca, who once said on the way to soccer, “Mum, I think I’m going to be a bit shy at soccer.” While it was impressive that Luca tried to articulate his feelings, “shy” wasn’t a precise emotion. Through gentle questioning, I helped him recognise that he was feeling nervous, not “shy.” Nervousness is a feeling that can be addressed, soothed, and eventually overcome. But “shy”? That’s a label with no clear way out.
When we label young children, it’s often in an attempt to explain their behaviour to others. Parents might say, “Oh, she’s just shy,” to avoid social awkwardness. But what’s the cost of this? Children pick up on these statements, absorbing them as truths. Over time, this can limit their willingness to explore, engage, and grow.
Consider a child in a childcare setting who’s labelled as “the kid who doesn’t speak.” If that’s the identity they’ve absorbed, speaking up becomes a threat to their self-concept. Who am I if I’m not the kid who doesn’t speak? It’s much safer to stay silent.
How to Shift Away From Labels
- Reframe the Language: Instead of “She’s shy,” try saying, “She’s taking her time to feel comfortable here.” This acknowledges the child’s process without turning it into a fixed trait.
- Name the Emotion, Not the Child: If a child appears hesitant, ask them, “Are you feeling nervous? Curious?” This builds emotional literacy and helps them understand that feelings change.
- Speak From a Strengths-Based Perspective: If a child isn’t engaging, you might say, “She’s a great observer. She likes to take everything in before joining.” This frames the behaviour as thoughtful rather than timid.
- Model Self-Reflection: When parents feel the urge to explain their child’s behaviour to others, it’s helpful to pause and reflect. Is this explanation for the child’s benefit or for their own social comfort?
Every child deserves the chance to grow into their own unique person without being boxed in by labels. Our words matter. When we shift from labelling to describing, from explaining to accepting, we give children the space to be exactly who they are. They learn that feelings change, identities are flexible, and they are worthy of love and respect just as they are. And that’s a powerful lesson they’ll carry for life.
