Parenting is challenging, there's no question about that. There's not a parent on Earth that has not questioned what they're doing, if they're doing it well or if they need to book into the next parenting course STAT because they don't have a clue on how to build a healthy family life and they're sure they're stuffing it all up.
One thing is for sure though, if you're worried about it, you're already a great dad, great mom, or great parent.
David Hughes, writer, comedian and co-producer of one small child gives his incredible real life story of how he and his wife are doing everything the can to break the cycle.
Determined to not be a dad
I was convinced I wasn't going to have kids. I mean don't get me wrong, I knew how to do to and I knew at some point I'd meet someone who I'd want to have children with. But I was certain I'd never be a dad.
My father left me with an abusive mother when I was five years old. I don't know much about him other than his name and that he left and never came back. That leaves a scar that is pretty hard to cover up. And cover it up though I may, I know it's there and every now and again someone gets a glimpse of it.
Like you are now.
It's a big scar too and I spent most of my youth trying to hide it by being a bit of an obnoxious twat and medicating with alcohol. As you can imagine, that just made things worse.
The real problem for me was later on in my relationships. I'd start to think about life with someone and where it would lead, marriage, house… kids. Then I'd sabotage everything and go back to drinking and being the same twat I was in my youth.
The idea of having children terrified me like nothing else. It was as though I was instinctively repelled from it.
Covering the scar
My father had left a gaping hole in my life. And the mother he'd left me with was no better. Abusive and an addict, things became so bad in her care that in my early teens I ran away from home, convinced that it was safer for me to be homeless than it was to stay in a house with her and a string of equally abusive partners.
How could I be a parent? I'd already proven that I could barely look after myself. And what if my parents were perfectly normal until they had me, and some sleeper switch was activated and they both went into complete jerk mode? Was that hereditary? Was there something in my DNA that would make me act the same?
And which would I be - the one who abandons or the one who abuses?
Going into ‘repair mode'
Truth is I don't remember the lightbulb moment. I just remember realising that I'd been gifted this blueprint of what not to do and if I followed that closely I should be fine. I did a trial run with a dog and that turned out great. Just like a kid, she has to be fed every day and if you leave her outside for too long she gets upset about it.
Then it happened. I met the woman who would become the mother of my child. And of course there's only so many times you can deflect from the “tell me about your parents” line of questioning, and so I told her everything. Not all at once, it can be a lot for anyone to hear but over time she came to know as much as I could recall rather than bare to tell.
I think because we were having the conversation, it helped both of us understand that this wasn't a cycle that would be repeated.
A milestone moment
My son recently passed the age I was when my father left and I remember thinking that was a really weird milestone to look to, but look to it I did. I don't know what I was expecting, like on his fifth birthday I'd just book a flight and never come back?
Looking back on it already it all feels very silly but these feelings are hard to control sometimes, these wounds often feel like they'll never heal.
I don't try to hide the scars anymore. They serve as a reminder for me to be proud of where I've been and where I am now, and that it's ok to let people see them too.
I know I'm a good dad and my son knows how much I love him. Does that love extend to me letting him beat me at Mario Kart from time to time? Absolutely not, the kid needs some battle wounds.
Of course we're all different. We've all got our stories. We all come with some degree of baggage. I wish I knew then that it wasn't something to be ashamed of, and that help is far more accessible than it seems.
Help is at hand
There are very few people who would turn anyone away when they need to talk. Friends, family or even total strangers. But, there are a bunch of professionals out there who are ready, willing and able to not only talk you through some tough times but also help to connect you with other resources and quickly!
National helplines
- Lifeline: 131114
- Beyond Blue: 1300 224 636
- Parent helpline: 13 22 89
